


I Cannot Live Without My Life; I Cannot Live Without My Soul

by OverlyCheerfulRat



Category: Jupiter Ascending (2015)
Genre: Abusive Parents, Forced Infantilism, Gen, Immaturity, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Insanity, Mental Health Issues, Murder, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Starvation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-29
Updated: 2019-05-04
Packaged: 2020-02-09 13:00:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18638620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OverlyCheerfulRat/pseuds/OverlyCheerfulRat
Summary: After her husband died, Seraphi Abrasax moved to a cabin in the woods with her three children. Fifteen years later, one of them pushes her down the stairs, leaving police detective Stinger Apini to figure out what happened in the interim.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [realisations](https://archiveofourown.org/users/realisations/gifts).



Kalique knew lots of things, more than her mother thought she did. She knew how to read and write and how to not wet the bed. She knew she was twenty-five years old, not four. Her mother started saying she was four after her father died and they moved to a cabin in the woods- she was a little girl, Balem was an infant, Titus was Seraphi’s husband. Kalique knew that her mother was probably insane.

Kalique knew that she had been ten years old when her father died in a car accident. Balem was eleven, and Titus was nine. She knew her mother had wanted a change of scenery, and the forest seemed like a good place for that. She knew not to go outside without her mother. She knew what her mother did to her and to her brothers.

Some things, Kalique understood but had no name for. She knew what Seraphi made Titus do with her; she’d walked in on it. She knew that Seraphi had started drugging Balem a few weeks after they moved to the cabin, and that the drugs made him limp like a ragdoll. She knew that he was too skinny because Seraphi wouldn’t let him eat, she made him drink formula from a bottle.

Kalique shared a room with Balem. Their mother called it a nursery. There was a crib (for him) and a violently pink bed with toddler rails (for her). The closet was split between the frilly dresses Seraphi picked out for Kalique every morning, and the long nightgowns she dressed Balem in. Seraphi didn’t like them to leave the nursery, so most days Kalique just rolled a ball back and forth listlessly. Balem usually couldn’t coordinate his hands enough to roll it back.

At night, Seraphi put Kalique in pull-ups with Disney princesses on them. She didn’t need them- Balem needed diapers, the drugs relaxed all his muscles, but Kalique didn’t have accidents. She wore them without complaint, dutifully stepped into them and let Seraphi tug them up around her waist. In the morning, Seraphi would pull her hair into pigtails, help her into a dress, change Balem, hand them a toy, and leave.That was how it had gone every morning for fifteen years, until the day Titus shook her awake while it was still dark outside.

“I killed her,” he whispered as soon as Kalique met his eyes. She yawned and sat up, shaking her hair out of her eyes. “What are you talking about?” “Our mother. Seraphi. I killed her,” Titus said urgently. Kalique giggled nervously. “Funny,” she said. “I’m not joking. She’s dead. She was standing by the stairs, and I didn’t think, I just reached out and…” Titus gulped. “I think she broke her neck. She isn’t breathing.” “You killed our mother,” Kalique said slowly. She wasn’t sad, probably. She couldn’t tell what she was feeling. “We need to bury her.” “Shouldn’t we tell someone?” Titus sounded panicked, so Kalique knew she had to be calm. “No. They’ll take you to jail. The police do that when you kill somebody,” she informed him. That was another thing she knew.

After a few minutes of whispered debate, Titus agreed to Kalique’s plan. She woke Balem up before they did anything else, and he looked up at her sleepily. “Mummy died,” she told him. “We have to bury her.” Balem mumbled something incoherent; he had trouble speaking. Based on his expression, he wasn’t that upset, so Kalique picked him up and carried him downstairs. “You take her outside,” she told Titus. Seraphi lay face-down, neck bent at a hideous and unnatural angle. Kalique pressed Balem’s face into her neck so he wouldn’t see, murmuring that it would be over soon as Titus dragged their mother by the arm. It took hours for him to bury her, and when he finished he sat down next to Kalique. She was pulling up grass, and Balem was lying next to her, asleep with his thumb in his mouth. 

“What do we do now?” Kalique bit her lip. Seraphi hadn’t let any of them leave the house, and she didn’t have guests over, so they didn’t know anyone. “Just pretend like everything is normal,” she said. “We’ll run out of food soon,” Titus pointed out. “Then we can get jobs. So can Balem, once he’s better. He’ll get better since Mummy can’t drug him anymore. And we’ll just say she left, if anyone asks,” Kalique responded. Titus thought that over. “I don’t think we can just walk into a job and ask to work there. We could go to where Mummy worked, maybe.” “Where did she work?” “I don’t know. She never told me.”

After a minute, Kalique picked Balem up and walked back inside. “Mummy talked about her friends sometimes, so maybe we can find their names somewhere and call them,” she called over her shoulder. “I’ll look in her office. For letters and things,” Titus said, hurrying off to do so. Kalique sat on the couch, arranged Balem on her lap, and asked, “You understand what happened, right?” Since he couldn’t really talk, she sometimes wasn’t sure how aware Balem was of things happening around him. “Mmm,” he replied, nodding very slightly.

“You can eat actual food now,” she said after a moment. “And without her drugging you all the time, you’ll be able to talk and move on your own.” Balem smiled. “Mmm,” he said happily. “No one has to find out that she’s dead. Don’t tell anybody.” “Mmm.” “And-” “The phone rang,” Titus yelled from Seraphi’s office. Kalique ran in, leaving Balem on the couch, and grabbed it from him. “Hello?”

A man was on the other end. “Is Seraphi Abrasax home? She didn’t come into work today, so I’m a little worried- she’s always called in when she was sick.” Kalique made a small, frightened noise and didn’t answer. “Ma’am?” “Mummy is fine,” she whimpered. “Mummy is fine.” Without another word, she slammed the phone back into the receiver. “He must be her boss at work,” she told Titus. He frowned. “What are we gonna say when she doesn’t ever go back?”


	2. Chapter 2

Four days passed. Kalique considered wearing Seraphi’s clothes instead of her ruffled dresses, but decided it would feel wrong since she was dead. At least she didn’t have to wear the pull-ups anymore. Balem was starting to be able to talk again, but his voice was raspy from years of disuse, and he still couldn’t move much. That upset all three of them. “Why isn’t he fixed? Mummy isn’t drugging him, so he should be all better,” Kalique snapped to Titus as she wrapped a hand around Balem’s tiny wrist. “I’m not a doctor,” her younger brother responded wearily. 

In the middle of the afternoon, on the fourth day, Kalique rolled a ball to Balem and waited while he weakly pushed at it. Titus was curled up on the couch, watching shadows on the wall. When the doorbell rang, they all flinched and stared at each other until Titus cleared his throat. “Kalique should answer it.” “Why me?” “Because Balem’s the oldest, but he can’t answer it, and you’re the second oldest, so you should answer it,” he explained. “True,” Balem mumbled.

“Fine.” She walked over and peered through the window, seeing a man she didn’t recognize. He was a police officer- she knew because of his uniform and the car in the driveway. “I have to open it,” she called back to her brothers. “You have to talk to police officers, if they want you to.” She knew that because a teacher had told her a long time ago, before her father died and they moved to the woods. Titus ran to her and grabbed her arm. “They’ll arrest me,” he hissed. “No, because we won’t tell them where Mummy is.” “But you can’t lie to police officers.” Kalique’s teacher had told her that, too, but sometimes grown-ups were wrong about things. “We have to lie, or else you’ll go to jail. Just be quiet and let me talk.”

The police officer frowned when she opened the door. “I’m Stinger Apini. Are you Kalique Abrasax?” “Yes, sir,” she said quickly. He nodded. “And your brothers, Titus and Balem, are they here?” “Yes, sir. This is Titus and Balem is in the living room. We had to leave him there because he can’t walk yet. But pretty soon he’ll be able to again.” Titus nodded silently as she spoke. The officer frowned more. “Why can’t he walk? Is he injured?” Kalique hesitated. “Um. No. Mummy drugged him with something. But she- she changed her mind and she doesn’t do that anymore.”

Stinger looked her up and down. “Did your mother dress you like that?” “Yes, sir. She wanted me to be four. And she wanted Balem to be a baby, and Titus to be her husband.” It was bad to lie, Kalique knew, so she would only lie about where Seraphi was. Everything else, she could be honest about. “I see.” Stinger’s voice was softer now. “Do you know why I’m here?” “No, sir,” she said quickly. “Your mother hasn’t come into work for four days. She hasn’t called in, either, and nobody’s seen her, so her boss reported her missing,” the police officer explained. “She left,” Kalique told him, not meeting his eyes. “She left us here and, um, went to… leave.”

“Is it alright if I come in?” Titus looked terrified by the question. Kalique gulped- she knew you had to do what police officers said, but technically they were criminals, because killing someone was a crime called murder. And police officers took criminals to jail. “Yes, sir,” she said weakly, stepping aside to let him in. Stinger smiled. “Great. Why don’t you show me around?” Kalique began a quick tour, which ground to an abrupt halt when they reached the living room. Stinger gasped when he saw Balem and demanded, “How much does he weigh?” “I don’t know. Probably not much,” Kalique told him.

“Did your mother feed him?” “No, sir. She thought he was a baby, so she made him drink formula instead.” Balem watched the exchange quietly until Stinger announced, “He needs to go to the hospital immediately.” At that point, he made a whispery little noise of protest, too quiet to be heard clearly. “But he’s not sick,” Titus pointed out. “Yes, he is. Your brother is dangerously underweight and malnourished. I’m going to take him to the hospital, okay? And I want you two to come as well.” Both of her brothers looked at Kalique, unsure what to do. “As long as we can go with him,” she finally said. “Of course,” Stinger assured her.

Kalique carried Balem outside, but stopped and wrinkled her nose when they got to the car. “What’s wrong?” “I don’t remember how to use seat belts,” she muttered to the ground. “It’s been a really long time.” Stinger nodded. “That’s understandable. Set him down, I’ll show you.” Kalique did as she was told, and watched closely as Stinger strapped Balem into the car. “That’s it. Easy,” he assured her. She nodded gratefully and got in herself, sitting between her brothers. Balem slipped his bony hand into hers and Titus made a frightened yelping noise as the car started, grabbing her other hand.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> won't be updating for several days at least.

Hospitals, Kalique quickly learned, were cold and bright. Stinger led her and her brothers to a waiting room, where several people looked at them sideways. Titus stepped closer to her, uncomfortable with the scrutiny. “Why are they staring at us?” “Probably my dress,” she responded. She knew she was legally a grown-up, and grown-ups didn’t wear little girl clothes. Kalique wanted to tell the people watching her that her mummy had dressed her that way, but they might not understand. Stinger finished talking to the lady behind the desk and led them to the chairs, gesturing for them to sit down.

Titus rested his head on Kalique’s shoulder, and Balem squirmed slightly on her lap, adjusting himself as much as he could. Eventually he settled down and nuzzled his face into her neck, sighing contentedly as she rubbed his back. She could feel his spine and ribs too much. Kalique remembered the first few months in the woods, when Balem had still cried from hunger, from not being able to move, from the shame of wearing diapers, from frustration at being unable to speak. A real baby would have wailed, but Balem only whimpered and gasped out quiet sobs. Kalique had stood over the crib and held his hands, telling stories and singing lullabies. They hadn’t been close before their father died, but in the woods, it was different. They had to depend on each other or they’d go crazy like Seraphi.

A nurse calling for them jolted Kalique out of her mind. She followed Stinger and the nurse to an examination room, where the nurse- a large woman named Mary, according to her ID badge- smiled at her and asked if she could help Balem into a hospital gown. Balem pointed a shaky hand at Stinger and shook his head. “Not with him,” he whispered to Kalique, turning red under his freckles. She nodded reassuringly and turned to the officer, shy. “Um. He doesn’t want you to see.” Stinger gave her a smile. “I understand; I wouldn’t want a stranger to watch me change clothes, either. I’ll step out for a minute, and you can just call me when you’re ready, okay?” 

Mary left with him, saying that the doctor would be in soon. Kalique set Balem on the bed covered in wax paper, and Titus held his shoulders to keep him upright. Once she had his nightgown off, she frowned at him. “You’re wet,” she scolded quietly. “Why didn’t you say anything?” Balem didn’t answer, choosing instead to look at the wall and press his skinny legs together. “We have to tell the doctor. They probably have diapers at the hospital,” Kalique said. Seeing his humiliated expression, she quickly added, “But they’ll fix it really, really fast. You won’t need diapers at all soon.” “Really soon. Tonight, I bet. They have lots of medicine,” Titus jumped in. Balem smiled at their attempts to comfort him. The doctor came in not long after, bringing Stinger with him. He asked a lot of questions, and sometimes Kalique didn’t understand them. Balem turned red when when he started to check him over, and eventually the doctor announced, “Well, I think we’ll keep you in the hospital for a few days at least. Let’s get you to a room, alright?” 

Kalique knew that doctors made people better by giving them medicine. She kept waiting for the doctor to give Balem medicine that would fix his body, but instead he just put him in a bed and asked if he knew what a catheter was. When Balem shook his head, the doctor probably explained it to him, but Kalique was standing too far away to hear because he said it really quiet. Whatever it was, Balem whispered that he didn’t want it, and the doctor said something else; this time, Kalique moved closer in (what she thought was) a very stealthy manner. “So the nappies are better?” Balem nodded, still very red in the face, and the doctor smiled reassuringly. “That’s alright with me. I think you’ll only fit into the pediatric ones- would you prefer for a nurse to help you, or your siblings?” “Siblings,” Balem rasped, and the doctor gave a casual thumbs-up. “I’ll be back in about two hours to see how everything’s going,” he told Stinger. “Until then, a nurse should come by with an IV and a clean nappy.” 

Kalique noticed that Balem had lowered his head and was trembling slightly. “What’s wrong?” She sat next to him and patted his shoulder. “Embarrassed. Not used to it. People knowing about us. People at all.” “I know. I don’t like it either. But you won’t be in here for very long, because they’ll give you medicine soon, and then we can go home.” Balem smiled at her. “Home sounds nice,” he whispered breathily. Titus approached them and leaned against the wall. “And you’ll be able to run around and hold stuff again,” he added. “And eat food. And hit me when I pull your hair- remember, you used to do that when we were younger?” Balem tried to reach out, but couldn’t move his arm far enough. Titus held his hand out and allowed his brother to sort of slap him with an awkward, floppy motion.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> little breather chapter, just a little fluff

After a week, Stinger took the Abrasax siblings home with him. Seraphi had clearly made sure her children would be helpless without her. Titus looked perfectly normal, but was painfully submissive, rushing to obey any perceived order. He bit back tears if he thought anyone was displeased with him, begged to know what he did wrong. Kalique was short and skinny, deliberately malnourished. She seemed afraid to accomplish basic tasks; she whispered to Stinger that she used to know how to tie shoes, but she forgot because “Mummy wouldn’t let me.” Her hair had been a tangled rat’s nest when he met them, and she explained that she wasn’t allowed to brush it. Balem was dangerously emaciated, small and light enough for even little Kalique to pick him up and carry him. He cried often and rarely talked. 

All three of them spoke and behaved like children- even Titus, who Seraphi had forced to play her husband. They became attached to Stinger worryingly fast. Kalique innocently asked if they could call him daddy or papa, and looked like she might cry when he responded with a horrified no. Titus asked him for permission before doing anything and liked to stand next to him. Balem often grabbed at his clothes with bony fingers, whimpering when he was gently pushed away. Once or twice, Stinger had had to carry him, and Balem had curled up in his arms contentedly, nuzzling his shoulder and wrapping stick-like arms around his neck.

After they got used to the idea of all the bees, they seemed to like his house. “Will they sting us?” Kalique squeezed Balem nervously. “No, they’re very gentle,” Stinger assured her. Titus still seemed wary, but Balem reached his hand out and let the bees land on it, smiling. “Soft,” he rasped. “Yes, aren’t they?” Once inside, Stinger took them up to the guest bedroom. “There’s only one spare room, but it’s big, and we’ll get separate beds tomorrow. You can all fit into one tonight.” Kalique nodded, then shyly asked, “Can we take showers now, Mr. Apini? Titus can help Balem.” “Of course.”

Kalique returned from her shower with her hair still dripping wet. “You’ve got to towel it off,” Stinger told her gently, bringing her back to the bathroom and helping her. “It’s fluffy now,” she exclaimed excitedly. “Mummy never dried our hair, because she liked for us to catch colds.” Smiling stiffly, Stinger led her back downstairs. “You two go ahead,” he told her brothers. The showers seemed to cheer them all up, and Stinger casually asked if they wanted to watch a movie. Kalique looked up at him with wide eyes. “We haven’t seen a movie since Mummy took us to the woods,” she said, sounding unsure. “You’ll like it, I’m sure.”

After Stinger found an old Disney DVD (Kiza’s, from childhood) he sat on the couch and Kalique immediately set Balem on his lap before plopping down on his left side, with Titus on his right, and Balem relaxed against him, gathering the fabric of his shirt in his little fists. The other two Abrasax siblings snuggled up to him as well, and by the time the movie ended they had fallen asleep on him. Unwilling to move them, Stinger simply leaned his head back and slept on the couch, under a pile of warm, softly breathing siblings who had apparently adopted him as their father figure.


	5. Chapter 5

They had only lived with Mr. Apini for a week when he told them Seraphi’s body had been found. It was early in the morning, and they had been asleep; they’d asked to keep one bed instead of each getting one. That way, if one of them had a nightmare, they would be able to calm down fast, Kalique explained. Balem liked it since he got to be in the middle, comfortably squished between his siblings. When Stinger woke them up, Titus groaned and burrowed deeper under the covers, but Kalique looked at him and saw how serious he was. “Did something bad happen?”

“Not exactly. Your mother’s corpse was found in a shallow grave behind your house,” Stinger said, as gently as he could. Titus pushed the blanket away and sat up. Did the police know he was a murderer? Did Mr. Apini know? If Mr. Apini was upset with him, Titus thought he might die. Maybe police were like Seraphi, and they got more upset if you lied about it? So he should tell the truth. Mr. Apini wouldn’t be upset with him if he told the truth. He just needed to find the right time. Stinger let them go back to sleep, saying that they probably needed time to process the information.

An hour later, Stinger was sitting on the couch with a book when the Abrasax siblings entered the living room. Kalique was cradling Balem, who sucked his thumb and watched Stinger with teary, intelligent eyes. Titus hovered behind them. “What’s wrong?” None of them answered his question at first. Titus approached the couch after a pause and sat next to him, grabbing his hand for comfort. “Mr. Apini, I have to tell you something. I did something bad. Really, really bad.” He took a deep breath and met Stinger’s eyes. “I killed Mummy. I pushed her down the stairs, and then me and Kalique buried her, and Balem watched us and promised not to tell anyone. We only didn’t tell you because we didn’t know you, and then because we didn’t want you to be angry with us.” 

Stinger was quiet. Kalique and Titus watched him nervously, but Balem reached out and grabbed his sleeve. “Is Titus going to be in trouble?” Stinger looked at Titus, who was trembling with anxiety and squeezing his hand so hard it almost hurt. “No. No, he’s not,” he told Balem. “I won’t tell anyone, okay? This is our secret.” Kalique made him pinky swear. She knew that you couldn’t break a promise if you pinky swore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a happy ending? in this economy?

**Author's Note:**

> it's sort of like babysitter. in a way.


End file.
